Experiences: Who the hell is Andrew Philips? And why is he ringing me?

What is it with Telemarketers?

And why do they ring me in particular?

Haven't they heard I am a grumpy old man?

With a bad attitude?

These people are cruising for a verbal bruising if they ring me!

Telemarketers are just a rude, uninvited interruption of my day.

If I want to buy a holiday for two weeks in the Maldives; well I'll ring my travel agent.

If I want a better deal on my phone service; I'll ring around!

If I want a better price on electricity; I'll jump on the net.

See a pattern developing here?

And I am sure I am not the only one! So how do you deal with them?

Well I have tried the following with varied degrees of success...

1. "Can I speak to Mark Taylor please?" Sorry.. we're actually at his house attending his wake!

2. "Can I speakvcowe sljn nl aslkj wiwifwio ?"  Er.. can you say that again slowly please so I can understand what you are saying? "Can I speak with the person responsible for your phone account?" Sorry, we don't have a phone. "But I am speaking to you on the phone now!" Oh, I borrowed my neighbour's phone and he wants it back now. Good bye!

3. "Can I speak with the business owner please?" He's away at the moment. "When will he be back?" Well the judge said 5 years with good behaviour.

4. "Can I speak with the person who orders your computer supplies?" Sorry. .we don't have a computer. "How do you invoice your clients?" With a pencil and paper. Do you have any 2H pencils on special? I need two. Always keep a spare.

5. "I am from the XYZ cladding company. Our quote team is in your area and we have special deals etc" Sorry, I live in a block of brick units. Or my favourite is to ask if they can arrange finance. "Yes we can sir" Would my being on the dole be a problem? "Click!"

6. Then there is the young man from our local Telstra business centre who has a new deal on line rentals that will save us a bucket load of cash. We have our own reasons for not wanting to go his way. But he won't take no for an answer. Ringing Deb, ringing me, emailing us both. The only way I could stop his harrasment after 4 months was to say this...

"Mate, if you contact us by any means whatsoever, I will come to your place of employment and violently insert a phone into you!"

So far, I haven't heard from him.

And so this brings me back to Andrew Philips who rang this morning. On my mobile! I answered my phone and he said something like.. "Hi Mark, it's Andrew Philips here and I would.." Hang on.. who is it? "Sorry Mark, it's Andrew Philips here, you don't actually know me and I work for a financial advisor..." and away he went reading his script. Speaking to me as though he and I were good mates, he went on to tell me he could improve my super annuation performance by up to 30%. Mate, I am about to retire. You're 30 years too late. (Official lie.. cannot find anybody to sponsor my retirement.)

Why don't telemarketers just send me a letter. Then I can put it in file 13. The cost to them must be similar.. and I could have peace!

And finally.. a word of advice if you are a telemarketer. Don't pick a fight with old men. If they cannot beat you.. they will simply hunt you down and kill you!